We’re going to be straight with you: David Geffen is the thorn in our obsessed-with-stalking-the-planes-of-rich-and-famous people asses. So we’re going to expose what the little scallywag thought would be an elaborately difficult but successful business plan that would a. make him lots and lots of money b. louse up our plan at world domination via planespotting and c. finally make Ashlee Simpson look legit.* Ready? Okay. As you may already know, Geffen, Ron Burkle (billionaire investor), Peter Ueberroth (Commissioner of MLB and former Olympics organizer) and Eli Broad (philanthropist AKA a nobody) are interested in buying the LATimes. 
As you also likely know, Geffen the Gay has recently been at the forefront of a major question posed by The New York Observer,**as to the mystery inhabitant of a loft he just purchased for $10 million at 158 Mercer Street. Geffen, you see, is one of the trustees registered on the deed-transfer record, but Marci Klein, daughter of Calvin and seasoned Saturday Night Live producer, was revealed in April to be the future inhabitant of the 11th floor apartment; so that’s confusing and upsetting and off-putting. But just wait, it’ll all soon be resolved. Since you obviously have a subscription to US Weekly (excuse us, your “girlfriend does and [you] just found it lying on the coffee table”), you know that Ashlee Simpson was the recent recipient of a new face. Simpson, one of Geffen’s most gifted clients,
*While making sure to say that, although we believe this to be true, it is entirely unconfirmed (as most brilliant conspiracy theories are).
**So a minor/less-than-minor question to the rest of the world.
needed a place to hide out during the first few months of post-op from her (rumored to be) new nose, chin, eyes and brain surgery. Realizing that no one would agree to go in on a deal for the Times with “the manager who thought no one would notice if Ashlee Simpson emerged from a doctor’s office one day replete with a brand spanking new face (but, alas, still with the same shamelessly creepy father),” Big G placed a call to Marci (no 'e') Klein. He knew that Klein would agree to “go halfsies” on the Mercer place because as second-in-line to Lorne Michaels, she’s been planning a “groundbreaking” episode of SNL in which Simpson will return to the stage for the first time since last year’s lip synching incident and once again try her hand at this whole “singing without a tape playing at the same time thing.” For the show to go off without a hitch, Klein knew she couldn’t risk anymore bad press for the Simpson camp. Additionally, Geffen was well aware of the fact that he couldn’t stash AS at his once-secluded Malibu beach house, as his (pretty pansy) court battle to block the opening of a public-access walkway adjacent to his home was shot down last May, and the paparazzi et al would be chomping at the bit to get a shot of “the new face of Geffen Records Ashlee Simpson.” So there you have it: try as he might to screw us over, we not only found out who’s living at 158 Mercer/how Geffen’s trying (in vain) to make himself look good to prospective partners in the Times deal, but where Geffie-Geff’s plane has been these days: JFK and LAX. Thank you and good night.
